Monday, December 24, 2012


(Spy Magazine, January 1990)

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species
of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are
insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer
which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT
since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census)rate of 3.5
children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's
at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
east to west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good
children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh,
jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining
presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up
the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not
counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31
hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at
650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space
probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer
can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2
pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is
invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can
pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see
point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job
with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the
payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in
their wake.The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound
Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be pinned to the back of his
sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now.
(story originally attributed to Richard Waller)



From: hjiwa Canonical List Of Holiday Humor
Rebuttal: (Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software)

Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry
animals, then it's only a small step to the rest.

For example;

1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I
would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might

2) You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have
assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes.
Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie
neighbourhoods, have probably less than the average (and don't forget
the DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)),
while the families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on
Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of homes
down a few percent.

3) You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least
one good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids
tend to have more than their share of good kids, and other homes have
nothing except terrorists in diapers? Let's drop that number of homes
down a few more percent.

4) Santa would have to Fedex a number of packages ahead of time, since
he would not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into
tower-controlled areas near airports. He's get shot at over certain
sections of the Middle East, and the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he'd
probably use DHL there. Subtract some more homes.

5) I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawking's book
once, but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time
does strange things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than
the speed of light time runs backward, if you do a straight line
projection, connect the dots and just ignore any singularity you might
find right at the speed of light. And don't say you can't go faster than
the speed of light because I've seen it done on TV. Jean-Luc doesn't
have reindeer but he does have matter-antimatter warp engines and a
holodeck and that's good enough for me. So Santa could go faster than
light, visit all the good children which
are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or
by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he
can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk yech.

6) Aha, you say, Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa
only has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast! You
calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3
quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply
of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc, that would be required
of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate because
of this energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers
for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry solar array

7) If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock.
NORAD (which may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3
initials in it's name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the
rest) tracks Santa every year and I've seen the radar shots of him
approaching my house from the direction of the North Pole. They haven't
bombarded him yet, so they must believe too, right?

Yet another rebuttal to the rebuttal:


Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish "study."

1) Flying reindeer: As is widely known (due to the excellent historical
documentary "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," the flying reindeer are not
a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the
power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (a no punches pulled look at life in
Santa's village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations
of reindeer, obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a
dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.

2) Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of
all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches,
centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in
Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian
calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do
not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their
Christmas is as a result several days after the Western Churches'. Santa
gets two shots at delivering toys.

Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the
gross demographic average, which includes households with no children at
all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average
for households with children, would therefore have to be adjusted
upward. Also, the largest single Christian denomination is Roman
Catholic, who, as we all know, breed like rabbits. If you don't believe
me, ask my four brothers and two sisters, they'll back me up. Due to the
predominance of Catholics within Christian households, the total number
of households containing Christian children would have to be adjusted
downward to reflect the overloading of Catholics beyond a standard
deviation from the median.

Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good
child would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5
children per household. However, since the number of children per
household is distributed integrally, there are a significant number (on
the order of several million) of one child Christian households. Even
though only children are notoriously spoiled and therefore
disproportionately inclined towards being naughty, since it's the
holidays we'll be generous and give them a fifty-fifty chance of being
nice. This removes one half of the single child households from Santa's
delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of the
Orthodox households from the first delivery run.

3) Santa's delivery run (speed, payload, etc.): These all suffer from
the dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name
"Santa" is obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which
are both overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint
German/Italian background. His beginnings, battling the Burgermeister
Meisterburger, suggest he grew up in Bavaria (also predominantly
Catholic). The Kaiser style helmets of the Burgermeister's guards,
coupled with the relative isolation of the village, suggest that his
youth was at the very beginning of Prussian influence in Germany. Thus,
Santa and Mrs. Claus have been together for well over one hundred years.
If you think that after a hundred years of living at the North Pole with
nights six months long that they remain childless, you either don't know
Catholics or are unaware of the failure rate of the rhythm method. There
have therefore been over five generations of Clauses, breeding like
Catholics for over one hundred years. Since they are Catholic, their
exponential population increase would obviously have a gain higher than
the world population as a whole. There have therefore been more than
enough new Santas to overcome the population increase of the world. So
in fact, Santa has an easier time of it now than he did when he first
started out.

Santa dead, indeed; some people will twist any statistic to "prove"
their cynical theory.

Yet another rebuttal:


From: egreen

5) That's nonsense. I repeated the calculation, and the correct figure
is 17,500.03 times gravity. How can we place belief when such an
implausibly high figure is accepted! The entire concept is obviously
deeply flawed and arises from incorrect method!

Besides, Santa simply realizes all of his alternate quantum states at
once. Everybody knows that.

People keep defending the existence of Santa Claus:


From: Jerome

Surely the 'esteemed' professional making the analysis means 'forces of
acceleration', and not "centrifugal forces" as stated. Furthermore, to
accept the ability of reindeer to defy the law of gravity and then bind
them to the remaining laws of physics is an error in argument.

The assertion ignores empirical data - Santa does exist: one can see
him often during the months leading up to the Big Day. Indeed, it is a
frequent occurrence to see him on multiple street corners, or in front
of several businesses, at the same time. Either A) Santa has many
helpers, or B) Santa is capable of numerous manifestations. In either
case, the acceleration arguments above are not valid, since the
multiplicity of Santas (manifestations or helpers) could easily handle
smaller portions of the task with time left over for cookies and milk.

Arguments A) and B) are both are supported by the different guises he
sports in various countries (Santa Claus, Sinter Klaus, Kris Kringle, et
al.), and by his acknowledged ability to "see you when you're sleeping;
he knows when you're awake". The decision between A) or B) is left as a
proof for the student.

And yet another rebuttal:

From: Lorenzo

I wrote this rebuttal to the physics of santa analysis back in 1993:

If you're going to criticise Santa Claus on physical grounds, you may
at least do it right.

The payload calculations are nonsense. Adding, say, 1000 stops back at
the North Pole for reloading adds only a few percent to the entire
distance covered, while reducing the payload by a factor of 1000. This
is clearly the way to go.

The nonuniform distribution of children has a tremendous effect on the
routing. With sensible routing, the average distance from a good child
to the next good child is only a couple hundred feet in suburban
conditions (this is clearly higher in the country, but is much less in,
say, New York City). With only .05 miles between average good children,
Santa need only travel at Mach 200, just a little faster than Ulysses.
This reduces the force of air resistance by a factor of 200, and the
power absorbed by the reindeer by 3000.

(Of course, if Santa stops to give coal to bad children it could slow
things down a bit. But it appears that increasing population has made
Santa give up that trick. When was the last time you heard of anybody
getting a lump of coal?)

We all saw the pictures of a smart bomb falling through an Iraqi
smokestack during the Gulf War. Clearly Santa uses the same technology
for toys and chimneys. By dropping, say, 100 toys at a time from high
altitude, Santa can reduce his speed by another factor of 10. While
still supersonic, this is now slightly less than orbital velocity,
sparing Santa and his team the trauma of extreme centrifugal force.

Santa's trip IS a remarkable feat of aeronautics, but please don't say
it's impossible.

Does anybody wish to make proof or disproof these assertions? -JV


From: Merv

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) -- I
am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

The analysis you sent me about the death of Santa Claus, based on
classical physics, is seriously flawed owing to its neglect of quantum
phenomena that become significant in his particular case. As it happens,
the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December air over the
Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with tremendous precision.
The mass of Santa and his sleigh (since the number of children and their
gifts is also known precisely, ahead of time, and the reindeer must
weigh in minutes before the flight) is also known with tremendous
precision. His direction of flight is, as you say, essentially east to

All of that, when taken together, means that the momentum vector of Mr.
Claus and his cargo is known with incredible precision. An elementary
application of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle yields the result that
Santa's location, at any given moment on Christmas Eve, is highly
imprecise. In other words, he is "smeared out" over the surface of the
earth, analogous to the manner in which an electron is "smeared out"
within a certain distance from the nucleus in an atom. Thus he can,
quite literally, be everywhere at any given moment.

In addition, the relativistic velocities which his reindeer can attain
for brief moments make it possible for him, in certain cases, to arrive
at some locations shortly before he left the North Pole. Santa, in
other words, assumes for brief periods the characteristics of tachyons.
I will admit that tachyons remain hypothetical, but then so do black
holes, and who really doubts their existence any more?

Yours sincerely,

E.B., Ph.D.


From: eugene

Physics refutes this. From "New Scientist" December 1989:

In Search of Schrodinger's Reindeer.

With the festive season upon us, many scientific minds will yet again
be attempting to solve that perennial chestnut, the Travelling Santa
Problem (or TSP). This problem was first brought to our attention by the
child prodigy, Vernon P. Templeman, in his seminal paper "Please may I
have a bike for Christmas, Daddy" (J. Appl. Window Shopping, December
1988, vol 7, p 1-122).

In simple terms, the problem boils down to one of speed. How can Father
Christmas visit the homes of all the children in the world in a single
night, albeit 24 hours long? Templeman demonstrated that the classical
(sequential) explanation forces us to invoke faster-than-light travel,
which is somewhat at odds with current thinking.

Thus, he argued, we should infer that the Father Christmas effect does
not really exist. This contentious hypothesis was the subject of much
debate at a recent symposium held at the Santa Fe Institute for Present

Our initial thoughts were that Templeman had over-estimated the size of
the problem, forgetting that Santa only visits good children. This would
reduce the number of visits by a factor of order 10^9.

However, a simple back-of-the-lab-coat calculation shows that this
renders the problem no more tractable. This threw suspicion on the use
of classical physics. At this stage, the teachings of our old mentor,
Erwin Schroedinger, came back to us ("Famous people what we claim to
have known, honest", by Matthew Davies and Martin Slaughter, Annals of
Physics, 1983, vol 12, pp 379-381). From a detailed study of reported
phenomena, it became apparent that Santa shared many of the
characteristics of elementary particles, suggesting a quantum mechanical
interpretation of his behaviour. We have since developed this theory,
and are confident that a quantum mechanical model of Santa Claus allows
many of his observed properties to be explained, and several
interesting predictions to be made.

Clearly, viewing Santa as a waveform removes the apparent paradox of
his "presence" being measured in several locations within a short
interval of time. As the waveform collapses down in a specific
location (attracted, we suggest, by the Goodness Quantum number of the
recumbent child) it becomes perfectly valid to state that a
"visitation" has occurred.

However, our calculations suggest that the process of measurement (for
example, turning on the bedroom light) will almost certainly lead to a
localised, space-time instability which, in turn, will cause the
waveform to relax and render detection almost impossible.

Once again, this ties in with the experimental evidence that Father
Christmas is rarely caught delivering. Indeed, on those few occasions
when a sighting has been claimed in the literature ("Mummy, mummy,
there's a strange man in my bedroom" by S. T. U. Peedo, Journal of
Sleepless Nights, 1979, vol 5, p 35), closer scrutiny has often revealed
it to be an imposter wearing a red cloak and beard.

Moreover, the quantum mechanical model predicts that energies involved
in a waveform collapse will result in the emission of a jet of
sub-atomic particles. Studies of bedroom carpets in the vicinity of
alleged sightings, using an X-mass spectrometer, have often revealed
evidence of mince pion activity; though these have usually been Hoovered

One of the most appealing aspects of our theory is the manner in which
it allows the most likely sites for visitation to be estimated. These
may be identified from the first derivative of the expectation value as:

d (Spot) |
d (Fireplace) | night

It turns out that the distribution of household chimneys is exactly
that required to act as a diffraction grating for objects of Santa's
predicted wavelengths, focusing the zeroth order onto the bedroom floor
below ("Chimchimmeny, chimchinny, chimchin cheroo", by Bert, Mar. Popp.

Yet another predication which agrees with commonly reported
observations concerns the Christmas Stocking effect. Within the general
theory, the stocking would be expected to act as an infinite potential
well, momentarily capturing the Santa waveform. The resonance within the
stocking is predicted to transfer energy from any batteries within the
well (causing them to run out by Boxing Day) before collapsing back down
to a new ground state characterised by a tangerine in the toe.

Apart from the successes reported above, the theory makes a number of
predictions about rather low probability events; that is, events
expected to occur in fewer than one hundred homes in the world each year
(for example, a full night's sleep for parents of under-8s; no clothes
given as presents; fairy lights still working from last year). In order
to collect the huge volume of data needed to assess these rare events,
we have decided to appeal to the scientific community for help.

Well as the few observations available fit the theory, a detailed
experiment to provide is now necessary. This will
require a vast amount of data to be collected with observations from as
many global locations as possible.

New Scientist's readers are, therefore, asked to maintain a Yule log of
the events in their domestic laboratories and to send their results to
the authors via the magazine.

Participants are requested to make a note of the following:

(1) Their children's Goodness Quantum number;
(2) The approximate dimensions of their bedroom;
(3) Whether Santa visits and, if so, at what time;
(4) Their address and galactic bspace coordinates (or postcode);
(5) Any evidence of Charm or Strangeness;
(6) Whether Santa is seen to be spinning (needed to check the "No L"
(7) The number of presents left;
(8) The colour of his reindeer's nose (often quoted as red when seen
moving away at speed, but unknown in its rest frame).

On a note of caution, participants are urged not to try to
localiseSanta as the delta p. delta x equals or is greater than h
relationship suggests that the energies involved could demolish a timber
frame building.

At a time when Europe is leading the world in fundamental physics
research we hope that this knotty problem can be resolved with this
experiment. The Americans are not far behind, with Senate approval for
the $12 trillion Turkey/ Anti-Turkey Synchronous Santatron. Let us make
sure we cook their goose before they foil our efforts.

Matthew D and Martin S are physicists working in the computer industry.


From: Brian Ha

It is very clear to me, that Santa is not dead. He is unemployed.

In the Evangelium of Markus, it states that it is harder for a rich man
to get into heaven, than it is for at camel to pass through the eye of a
needle. Today, we are by far more rich, than they were when the bible
was written.


Responses from first-year biology students to the Santa essay.

Basically, a normal reindeer, even if it could run/fly at the speed
needed, would be vaporized in .473 thousandths of a second. For Santa's
job, each of his nine reindeer has to carry 39,270 tons, fly for 31
hours at 650 miles per second, and absorb 2955.33 quintillion joules of
energy per trip each! These are some serious reindeer. I would say that
natural selection has provided them with a skin not unlike the composite
material used for the space shuttle. Their cell metabolism has speeded
up so much they release enough heat to create a nifty Star Trek force
field around them, and there's probably enough left over to protect
fatso in the sled, too. And they still have enough energy for reindeer
games after the night is over with (you know what kind of physical
attractions can form during long road trips).

Santa's reindeer can travel faster than ordinary reindeer because Santa
gives them a special enzyme additive to their reindeer chow on Christmas
eve. Now when the reindeer metabolize glucose, instead of getting 36 ATP
per glucose, they get 36 quintillion molecules of ATP. This makes them
able to to pull Santa's sleigh at a speed of 650 miles per second. Since
their internal metabolism is so high, the heat created from air
resistance doesn't affect them. 14.3 quintillion joules of energy is
nothing compared to the amount of internal energy in the form of ATP.
There is one special reindeer that Santa gives more of this enzyme to
because this reindeer has to lead all of the others. In fact, there is
so much ATP produced in this reindeer that it concentrates in his nose,
causing his nose to glow like a light bulb.

Natural selection would have allowed Santa's reindeer to grow a thick,
hard outer layer, and they would have to be perfectly spherical to
endure the pressure of their flight. It is easy for them to deal with
the immense weight of the sleigh because they propel themselves upward
and onward with very strong methane emissions from their digestive

One of the most mystical and interesting aspects of Santa Claus are his
reindeer. One hypothesis to explain the evolution of these special
reindeer could be this: since all living things adapt to their
surroundings, obviously these reindeer have made adaptations to living
at the North Pole. There are many ice cliffs in the North Pole, and many
of the deer kept falling off. However, some of the reindeer were better
at avoiding the sub-freezing waters below the cliffs, and these are the
reindeer that survived. Over thousands of years, these reindeer evolved
the ability to glide and then even fly!

I think that Santa gives his reindeer some injections that make their
enzymes work 6,783,215 times faster. Santa may also give them steroids
to make them stronger. This increase in metabolic activity and increased
strength allows them to fly at such great velocities. Don't tell any
little kids about Santa's involvement in drugs! They need to keep their

It's silly to assume that the slow process of natural selection could
have produced reindeer with such powers. I suppose that Stephen Jay
Gould's theory of punctuated equilibrium might be one means of producing
such a distinct change from other deer species. However, the obvious
answer is that Santa is a marvel at genetic engineering and has the
ability to manipulate reindeer genes to produce whatever traits he

From: DZEsq


As an amateur physicist of some renown, many people have asked me for
my take on the various physics problems raised by the so-called "Santa
Conundrum." I tend to agree with all of the rebuttals, and feel
confident in stating that Santa does indeed exist.

My main reason for stating this, however stems from my own, now
frequently cited Theory of Everything, Ribbon and Bow Theory. See J.
Appl. Window Shopping, December 1995, vol 14, p 47 - 25). Many people
have suggested that I have, with that one peer-reviewed article
obsoleted both string and membrane theory. (See also, "The Eleven
Dimensional Aspects of Choosing a Gift for your Wife," J. Appl. Window
Shopping, December 1999, vol 18, p 8 - 4, and "Electron Tunnelling
Through Display Cases," same issue, pages 72 - 60.)

The author of the original article completely overlooks wormholes.
Everyone knows that one pole of the earth's magnetic field is near the
North Pole. And everyone knows that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole.
Although the correspondence between lines of magnetic force and
wormholes has not been widely examined in the literature, one conclusion
of the theory of ribbons and bows is that the two are frequently found
co-existing. I have written a paper on this and sent it to Stephen
Hawking for comment, but so far, he has not responded.

Assuming my theory is correct, then Santa, in each of his quantum
states can enter any number of the infinite number of wormholes near his
house simultaneously, and can make the trip at a leasurely pace, since
in effect, he is only making ONE delivery multiplied X number of times
as the number of good children dictate. Obviously once the problem is
reduced to a single trip, the solution is trivial, and it is intuitively
obvious that Santa can fly his Reindeer at normal FAA speed and height

Clearly, this is basic physics, and I do not understand why the
original author has any difficulty at all solving this problem.

W. David Zt
Attorney At Law
Wannabe Physicist

From: Stephen W


Department of Applied Physics
North Pole University
Santa's Village, Arctic Ocean

Dear cynic:

Your report that Santa Claus, the reindeer, or the sleigh, would lack
sufficient time to reach every household, would need to carry toys for
every child simultaneously, or would produce sonic booms, experience
concussions, burst into flames, etc., is false.

Santa Claus, the reindeer, and the sleigh travel in polar orbit through
space. As they are well above the atmosphere, there is no sonic boom, no
friction with the atmosphere, and no heat generation.

They do not stop at each house. Instead, Mr. Claus drops the presents
from the (still moving) sleigh into the chimneys without stopping the
sleigh. The only time that they have to stop is when they periodically
reload (take on more presents) at the north pole. As there are no
children living anywhere within a several-thousand mile radius of the
north pole, they have plenty of time to decelerate gradually, and are
not injured.

The reason that they travel in a polar orbit and the reason that the
toy factory was built at the north pole was to ensure that they would
pass the toy factory on every orbit and could reload as often as
necessary. They only need to carry enough presents during each orbit for
the deliveries that they make during that orbit.

However, there is a very real danger that all of us at the north pole
face, which may put an end to the toy distribution system. Due to global
warming, the polar icecap is melting rapidly. If this is not stopped,
then our village, including the toy factory, may soon fall into the
Arctic Ocean. Please devote your time to assisting us with this problem
and stop spreading silly urban legends.


(Stephen) "SuperSteve"
Lu-clausian Professor of Orbital Mechanics

and to all a good night!

Merry Christmas!

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